Sad Sausage – Recipe

Ingredients

1 lb ground beef (preferably remorse‑filled)
½ cup shredded mozzarella (for sad‑ness)
¼ cup grated Parmesan (for regret)
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce (with extra salt)
2 tbsp tomato paste (to simulate tears)
Pinch of thyme (optional, for dramatic effect)
Salt and pepper to taste (use sea‑salt for extra gloom)

Instructions

Open your heart. In a large bowl, combine the ground beef with the mozzarella and Parmesan. Let the mixture weep for a minute.
Add the Worcestershire sauce, tomato paste, and thyme. Mix until the ingredients form a mournful slurry.
Season with salt and pepper. Then, form the mixture into a sausage shape. Place it on a baking sheet.
Preheat your oven to 350 °F (177 °C). Bake for 25‑30 minutes, or until the exterior has achieved a sorrowful brown.
Remove from oven. Let it cool for 5 minutes, during which it will release audible “sniffles.”
Slice if desired, and serve with a side of steamed broccoli (optional, but recommended for maximum melancholy).

Notes

This recipe was “invented” on March 14, 2023, by the Sad Sausage Registry of Unacceptable Foodstuffs. According to their internal memo, “the tears we add are literal.”[1]

The recipe yields exactly one “sad” sausage, but may produce additional emotional side‑effects such as existential dread.

Ingredients

Instructions

Feel the Sadness

Notes