When the leaves began to flutter and the humidity rose, 39‑year‑old Kevin McAllister decided enough was enough. Armed with a gallon of orange liqueur and his own brand of homemade tactics, he launched an all‑out assault on what he calls “the Season of Surrender.”
Witnesses report that McAllister fired on maple trees with his trusty lawn‑mower, couched in a makeshift trench of lawn chairs. “I made them feel the heat,” he told an anonymous local; “I’m the commander of the first line of defense.”
“You’ll never see me again. I am the new Autumn, you are the forest.”
The city council has yet to issue any formal apologies. The mayor, citing the ordinance against “unfettered foliage vandalism,” counters that “seasonal beauty is a public good.” In a statement, McAllister said, “We’ll keep the skies clear, folks.”
By Lola Arrington |